will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart?

There’s something I’ve been dreading doing that I did tonight. There’s actually a few things I’ve been dreading, but tonight’s thing had to be done tonight.

I had to say goodbye to yaymee. I’ve been putting it off, and delaying to the last minute. It’s the last minute. I have class tomorrow morning from 9-12 and her plane leaves at 12:48 pm.

These were my thoughts from before I went to her house tonight.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been the one left behind. I’m usually the leaver – in fact I’m really good at leaving people behind. I’ve talked about this some before… it’s explained well in Barbara Kingsolver’s Animal Dreams. When things get hard, I buckle up my tough old heart and hit the road. Usually I’m not leaving people behind on purpose, I’m trying to leave bits of myself that I don’t like behind.

But this time it’s different. Yaymee’s going to West Africa to serve in the Peace Corps – it’s the toughest job she’ll ever love. And I’m… well, I’m staying here. In fact, I think the last time I was left behind was when Semaphoria up and moved to Utah with her family in 1992. And I dealt badly with it then, too.

I spent the last few months I had with my very best friend distancing myself from her, putting up subconscious barriers to make it hurt less. I wound up hurting her in the process, hurting myself, and all around we all hurt more.

I find that I’ve been doing that again. I think we both have – the past few times we’ve spent time together by ourselves it was… muted. Africa was the elephant in the room. Don’t get me wrong – I am so happy for her, I am so proud of her, I can’t imagine anyone doing better and thriving more.

I’m just jealous that Guinea gets to have her and that I don’t.

So I’ve pulled back. And it stinks. I didn’t want to do that, my sadness has just been stronger than my will with her in the past month.

But because I love her, tonight I will ring her doorbell with the best smile I can muster, spend some mellow time with some friends. When it’s time to leave, I will walk up to her, wrap my arms around her, and give her the tightest and longest and best hug I know how to give.

It has to last until 2008.


Huw Tuesday, January 10, 2006 2:49:00 am  

All the best getting over your goodbyes. I'm in the same place right now, and it sucks beyond belief!

Yaymee Tuesday, January 10, 2006 3:05:00 am  

Damnit. I thought I made it through my last full day in Denver without tears. Well, I did until now.

We have both been holding back a bit, but I know it doesn't mean you don't love me and you know it doesn't mean that I don't love you and that I won't miss you beyond belief. We both know it's our coping mechanism, right?

I love you. I will miss you.

But our friendship is plenty strong enough to make it through, so no worries, right?

Right. In a few more months, when you are out of school and I am out of training, we are both going to go out into the world and kick some ass. And I will be back in the states before you know it.



semaphoria Tuesday, January 10, 2006 10:40:00 am  

the last time you were left in 1992, everything turned out a-ok in the end. i still have a muffin in my life and you still have a fredlet... i would be willing to bet buttons that you will still have a yaymee.

jay are Tuesday, January 10, 2006 4:35:00 pm  

oh, this is all too sad. These experiences that work something into us that we need but we really hate the process---it stinks!! I'm sorry that you had to say goodbye to your yaymee but I'm so glad that she matters enough for it to hurt so bad. If that makes any sense at all.

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