from "look at what you did"

i left this in a comment on haiku-girl's blog
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sometimes i think that these feelings i have are nebulous and hormonal and liars. they shift and shake and give me peace and nausea and i can't tell if the inside feelings or the outside feelings are the more truthful of the two. context changes everything. changes change everything. truth changes context.

sometimes i remember why i liked hiding in my dark little cave. other times i think i'll wither up and blow away if i go back there. there's two options today: board a plane or not. both seem equally meritorious, both seem equally repugnant. of all things, boarding the plane looks like the route in order - sink or swim, baby... or is it crash or fly?

the choice to keep working and going over the roadbumps or to take a different route altogether is a nasty little creature - like the toenail fungus creatures on tv. but here we are making up the rules in reverse when really they've been there all along. but now they're there in stone, and it still may wind up all for naught.

little red banners are flying all the way down the path, but silly me, i focus on how bright and pretty they are - not the dangers that lie ahead and the pitfalls they herald and how it's just going to leave a bigger scar later that takes that much longer to heal.

because boy do i love me some bright happy banners.