If wishes were horses...

So tonight I'm feeling a little sad and lonely... It happens every winter, but it's been easy so far. I survived November which is a task in of itself... the next true test comes in February. The one thing that I've still not mastered is not wanting what I haven't got (a la Sinead). Which is a mixed blessing... it keeps me from settling for less, but it also keeps me from settling in. Patty Griffin is brilliant, she says:

In the middle of the night
We try and try with all our mights
To light a little light down here
In the middle of the night
We dream of a million kites
Flying high above
The sadness and the fear

I want to be a kite. I just want to put some light out there wherever I can. Not so that I can know that I did it, but so that someone else can have some light where they might not have had it before. Because it's sad and scary to not have any.

There's this stubborn idealistic streak in me which is also my curse. I want everyone to have a safe place to call their own. To love and be loved. To find peace in the maelstrom that is the world, even for a moment. To never be hungry or cold. To live without fear. To speak truth wherever they go, whatever they do. To learn to listen to and love themselves...

One of the reasons that I love Joan of Arcadia is that it hasn't lost its hope. It sees the anger and loaghing and apathy in the world, and it tries in its own way to fight against it. One of the best episodes was where Joan met Rocky, a boy with CF... a disease that has played its part in my life, and especially my sister's.

I'm getting more and more maudlin as this progresses which tells me one of 2 things: I need to go to bed or I need to be around people who are bright and effusive. Well, it looks like the former, my bright and effusive ones are currently out of reach. Until tomorrow anyway. Tomorrow I'll be surrounded with crazyfun people, cocky people, funny people, slightly odd in the good way people, corny people... but tonight... tonight I need a good book and a warm bed. maybe a box of kleenex not so far away.