I've been stuck on Deep Thoughts lately. My friend Jake used to have a daily Deep Thoughts calendar and it made 1999 very...interesting. And now for some Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey:
- I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
- Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
- Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
- I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
- As I walked through the woods, I looked up and saw a squirrel. I smiled and he smiled. At least I think it was a smile. My teeth were showing and my cheeks were pulled up. That's a smile, isn't it? (The squirrel was definitely smiling.)
- If you ever fall off of the Empire State Building, go real limp, and maybe someone will think you are a dummy and try to catch you, because, hey, free dummy.
- What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk. And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
- Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
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