an interview with the pants

the pants has agreed to sit down for a little Q&A session so that the blog readers who keep asking for his picture will think that he posted an interview and therefore, he doesn't really need to put up his picture on the internets.

HF: hello pants! how are you tonight?

P: I'm doing fine, Heatherfeather. Thank you for having me. And I guess I'm okay with being called "Pants."

HF: So tell me, why are there no frakkin' pictures of you on the internet?

P: [pants provided an answer here, but it wasn't a good enough one in my opinion. hey, it's my blog, and i didn't have to tell you i was changing it anyway. besides, pants gave it the "sealed by pants" stamp of approval.] Because I'm so blindingly handsome that men would weep with feelings of inadequacy and women would tear out their hair at not being able to have me.

HF: Glasses or no?

P: I don't wear glasses, although I probably need them. If the question is do i like glasses on women, I love it when women wear Tina Fey librarian-ish glasses, especially when rhinestone-laden. [Pants gets extra points for sucking up to the interviewer by talking about liking her glasses]

HF: who is your favorite karate kid character?

P: Dutch, because he looks like he's on speed, and karate guys on speed are really fun to look at.

HF: in an erotic way?

P: [laughs uncomfortably] No comment. But Elisabeth Shue was very hot in a non-teenage girl teenage girl sort of a way.

HF: are you heading for a career in politics with that sort of spin tactic?

P: No. [Pause] However, I would very much like to enter politics if I could work for the perfect candidate.

HF: Oh, so you're a Democrat?

P: No, I'm a Republican. Seriously, I am.

HF: How did i wind up dating you, then?

P: I recall there was some drinking involved and also you were giddy at having recently finished your last class [in grad school] and also you were intrigued by my ability to play you evenly in Trivial Pursuit.

HF: Yes, when we've played I've won about half the time and you've won the other half, right?

P: Technically, you've won every time, but that's only because God has sided with you, and it's taken literally miracles to defeat me. [editor's note: you're allowed to stop reading this answer after "you've won every time."]

HF: what is your favorite song at the moment?

P: At the moment, my favorite song is "Boston" by Augustana for a couple of reasons:

  1. I find the music to be compelling and pleasing to listen to.
  2. HeatherFeather talks about her time in Boston, often longingly, when she listens to the song and that makes me happy.
HF: So you like it when I long for something I don't have? [See audience? See how i did that? Girls rule.]

P: It's not like you don't HAVE it all the time.

HF: Touche. Is there a secret you've never told anyone that you'd put on the internet?

P: No. (See: Large Mouth Bass)

HF: Moving ahead. (Large Mouth Bass, drop me an email, mmkay? thanks.) What is the best g-rated feeling in the world.

P: Holding HeatherFeather's hand.

HF: You do realize you just made maryam vomit.

P: Now THAT is the best feeling in the world.

HF: Indeed it is. Last question, since this is a REALLY LONG POST. if someone offered you $1M to streak on the steps of the US Supreme Court, would you do it?

P: Yes.

The End

13 comments:

Iceman Wednesday, December 13, 2006 2:47:00 am  

*Sneeze*
BULLSHIT

Coconuts Wednesday, December 13, 2006 2:48:00 am  

hey, heatherfeather, ask pants to look you in the eyes and say "i'm an innocent man"

mariamamama Wednesday, December 13, 2006 1:03:00 pm  

obama yo'mama!

proustitute Wednesday, December 13, 2006 2:22:00 pm  

*applause* for the engaging interview format. q&a's are under utilized in today's society and foreign policy matters. the following questions now beg answers:

i. whither the moniker "pants"?
ii. where on the republican continuum does mr. pants place himself, and why?
iii. mr. pants exhibited no traits of possessing even healthy vices (apart from taking his clothes off for hypothetical money on hallowed american steps). how is this possible?
iv. has mr. pants ever been told that he vaguely resembles (the sunnier side and aspect) of one eric hagan (circa 1997), with whom heatherfeather is acquainted?
v. does mr. pants have any ninja skills himself, or are these strictly reserved for fetishizing in others?
vi. is he free mid-januaryish for an expedition to the norton simon?

inquiring minds want to know. ;)

littlegoat Wednesday, December 13, 2006 4:47:00 pm  

Obama introduced Monday Night Football this week and it was glorious.

heatherfeather Wednesday, December 13, 2006 5:45:00 pm  

iceman - maverick is supersonic.

coconuts - i tried... nothing! he's gotten tougher, i suppose.

mariama - nuh-uh... obama YO'mama.

proustitute - i can answer i by directing you here. iii: ha! iv: i've never thought of it, but coloring, build, and heightwise, indeed, i do concur.

Iceman Wednesday, December 13, 2006 7:05:00 pm  

Oh yeah, but was he 'inverted'?

coconut Wednesday, December 13, 2006 7:05:00 pm  

heatherfeather;
its ok... he just can't do that to large mouth bass

heatherfeather Wednesday, December 13, 2006 7:07:00 pm  

iceman - i believe the answer is 'yes' because i'm pretty sure he was giving the dude in the MIG the bird.

coconuts - i'll have him do that the next time i'm around the LMB and gauge his reaction from there.

heatherfeather Wednesday, December 13, 2006 7:10:00 pm  

littlegoat - i saw that and it was awesome!

Anonymous Wednesday, December 13, 2006 7:20:00 pm  

i missed that one little goat..but he first came to my attention during one of his televised debates with the insane lunatic, alan keyes, during his campaign for u.s. senate.

Anonymous Saturday, December 16, 2006 2:34:00 am  

Isn't Obama just angling to sell more books?

Anonymous Wednesday, December 20, 2006 12:39:00 am  

I am soooooo ripping off this idea for my blog.

Did I just say that out loud?

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